I'm learning...

My friend, Rachel, posted this on facebook.  Thank you, Rachel, for leading me to this talk right when I needed it.

It turns out that my pregnancy is not meant to be.

You'd think by now I'd be used to this, but it still hurts.

I wanted this baby. When I found out I was pregnant I instantly changed all the big plans I had for this year. I worried, but I always worry.  I also tried to have faith, and hope.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who texted back and forth with me when I shared my happy news and needed to talk. That's how I work through things.  Some might wonder why, after several miscarraiges, I don't wait longer to share my news.  For me, it is almost an act of faith.  It helps me to overcome the worry if I talk about it, think positively, and make plans.  In 2008, while I was in the midst of another miscarriage, Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk on the infinite power of hope.  I gained a testimony of hope, and believe it is just as important as faith.

Even when things don't go the way I planned, I still have hope.  Hope in my Savior, who suffered all things. Hope that one day I will understand the heartache and trials.

In 1997, Elder Neal A. Maxwell visited BYU-I (I was there!).  Elder Bednar asked Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his struggle with cancer that year.  His answer was, "I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving".

In his October 1997 conference address, Elder Maxwell taught: "As we confront our own...trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we 'might not shrink'--meaning to retreat or recoil. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus".

Elder Bednar shared a quote from Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire".

Elder Bednar then shared the story of a young couple he knew, who came to him seeking a blessing when after only three weeks of marriage, the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Elder Bednar asked him, "Do you have the faith to not be healed?" Or in other words, do you have the faith to accept His will if it is contrary to your own.

Today I find myself in a similar place.  Needing to "overcome, through the Atonement of Christ, the 'natural man' tendency to demand impatiently and insist incessantly" on the blessing I want.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

Elder Bednar continues with the story of this couple, who overcame cancer only to have it return a few years later.  The man couldn't understand why this was happening to him again, and found his answer in the New Testament.

It so closely mirrors my feelings that I'm going to re-write it, changing a few things to pertain to my own situation:

I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, 'Master, carest thou not that we perish?'

This is exactly how I feel!  "Carest thou not that I've already had four miscarriages and learned from them? Carest thou not that I really want this baby?"  But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them an said, "O ye of little faith," and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

And so I, like this man, ask myself, "Do I really believe this?" Do I really believe that He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story?  The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I know He could save my baby.

Until now, I have had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. It seems they sometimes contradict one another. Why should I have faith if His will ultimately will prevail?

I have learned that in this situation, having faith [or hope] does not mean that He would save my baby, but that He could save my baby. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

I believe that allowing these two ideas to co-exist--focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will--will bring comfort and peace in trials.

With my first miscarraige I learned that the Atonement was for all sorrow, not just for sin.  With my third I learned about the power of hope.  And now, with number five, I pray that I will not shrink.  That I will drink the bitter cup, without becoming bitter. That I will count my blessings and be grateful that I have had four successful pregnancies, and focus my attention on them...with an eye single to the glory of God.

It hurts. A lot. But I trust in Him.

It feels like Christmas...(on Q__)

Thanks to a tip from my sis-in-law, I discovered this morning that when you read my last blog post on an ipod (or I assume on any other similar device), some of the words didn't get crossed out like they did on my blog, so the first line reads, "Last night I got a bee up my butt wild hair".  Nice. Sorry for those of you who had to deal with that mental image. If it happened to you, go read my blog on a computer for heaven sakes, and while you're there, leave me a comment. I could use some love...

I gotta admit, it's starting to feel like Christmas around here.  The tree is lit 24/7, it snowed last night, the van doors were frozen shut this morning, the laundry is piled high, the kids are barfing every other day, there's not an ounce of milk or bread in our house 'cause I haven't had time to go shopping, I still have packages to mail...wait, finish, then mail. I haven't wrapped a single present, the garage has to get cleaned for one of our Christmas morning surprises, I'm trying to finish a quilt that's past due, we ordered pizza for dinner at 8:15 last night, and Christmas George is missing.   I just realized, through typing this, that he's probably hiding.  I can't say that I blame him. 

He was last seen in the following locations:

Cleaning our very dirty french doors (I was hoping the boys would be inspired by this, but no such luck.)

On Sunday, I heard Dillon exclaim, "George is adoring baby Jesus!"

And on Monday, he had a snowball fight with Mr. Potato Head.

The kids and I searched everywhere this morning and we cannot find Christmas George. We are offering a reward if you can find him (a nasty flu bug that you will no doubt go home with if you enter our house).

I'm pretty sure he spent some time practicing his longarm skills on this quilt last night, but there is no other trace of him.

 So, in all seriousness, we have the flu that keeps on giving. I'm going to try to re-construct a timeline for my own records:

Tues. Dec. 4th:  Justin was throwing up all day long.
Wed. Dec. 5th: Justin threw up again after eating breakfast.  His tummy is not used to food, right?
Thurs. Dec. 6th: When we tuck Justin in at night, we discover fresh vomit all over his "best lovie".
Sat. Dec. 7th: I come inside from trying to organize my quilting studio, to find vomit on the livingroom carpet.  Justin again.
Mon. Dec. 10th: I wake up in the middle of the night to my least favorite words:  "Mom, I threw up."  Caleb is the winner this time.
Mon. Dec. 10th:  Dillon finishes breakfast and announces he doesn't feel very good. Within 20 minutes, he's down too.
Tues. Dec. 11th: Caleb and Dillon stay home to recover, but don't seem to feel well all day.
Fri. Dec. 14th: Again, I wake up to those all too familiar words, "Mom, I threw up" from Brayden.
Sat. Dec. 15th: Grandma graciously agree's to tend the kids while Todd and I attend one of six Christmas parties we have on our calendar. We come home, only to find that Dillon threw up all over the bathroom (I'm still finding chunks from this one.)
Sun. Dec. 16th: Todd and I made an executive decision to keep all the kids home from church and just rest. He went to his morning meetings, and then I went for the 3 hour block to teach my primary class.  I got home to find that Brayden had thrown up again.
Tues. Dec. 18th: At 4:30 AM I woke up to my "favorite" phrase, "Mom, I threw up...on the carpet". Dillon... round 3.
Tues. Dec. 18th: At 6:30 AM I woke up to Caleb saying, "Mom, my tummy hurts."
Tues. Dec. 18th: At 7:05 AM I discovered that Brayden is doubled over with stomach pain.  Luckily, Caleb ate breakfast and felt better, so I only had two kids home from school.
Wed. Dec. 19th: Dillon left breakfast for the bathroom, but decided he was okay and went to school anyway (crossing my fingers).  Justin has had three NASTY diapers, but I'm staying positive....and blogging my woes.

*Update:  the carnage didn't end on the 19th.  
Thurs. Dec. 20th: I spent the day with stomach pains, and since I HAD to finish up some last minute shopping, I visited the bathroom in every store. Twice.

Fri. Dec. 21st at 2:30 AM  Caleb woke me up because he had "a heartburn".  I gave him some tums, but his heartburn turned into vomiting and horrible stomach pains.  He didn't know it, but I was watching him closely for signs of appendicitis.  At 4:30 AM, he broke out into hives. Yeah. Hives. Huh?  I rubbed his tummy and back with lotion, told him to try not to scratch, and went back to bed.  At 7:00 AM, I found him watching TV and when I asked how he was doing, he threw his hands in the air and said, "Great!".  He went to school. I figure he's already exposed his class anyway.  

Through all the sickness, I'm grateful to my mother-in-law, for watching our kids while we attended some our Christmas parties.  Please join me in praying for her continued health. She deserves it. Last weekend we had a party with all the therapists (and their wives) from Todd's work.  For the white elephant gift exchange, we gave the following:

a Sigmund Freud bobble-head doll...

 ...and plush "Syphilis".  Wish you could've
 been there when Todd's co-worker opened the gift and Todd shouted from across the room, "I just gave you syphilis!"

We came home with juggling balls, and a package of Bull Elk Urine.  I've always wanted some of that.

And lastly, I'm less than proud to tell you that when Todd accidentally reset our TV to it's factory settings, and for a few minutes we didn't know if we'd be able to watch Netflix Instant ever again (Dillon and his drama...) Justin surprised us with his newest phrase:  "Holy Crap!" which he either learned from Todd, or Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond.  Either way, there's room for improvement.

I'd better get quilting. So I can get it in the mail, and get to the laundry, and the shopping, and the wrapping, and the cleaning.  Did I mention I have company tomorrow night 'til New Year's?  Well, I do...and and the napkins are not freshly pressed. No wonder my left eye keeps twitching.

In the past two weeks...

In the past two weeks:

My oldest, greatest papa turned 80!

He brought Burger King crowns for all the kids to wear at the party :o)

Someone cut the butter with the apple slicer.  Someone also forgot to remove a foil-wrapped chocolate Easter egg from their pocket before their pants went through the wash.  Luckily, when it came out it was still in the foil and intact.  Thank you Hersheys.  

A bike fell on my foot on the dock at DI.  I had a bump the size of an egg on top of my left foot.  After icing it for a couple days, the bruising appeared. When I took Justin to the pediatrician later that week, I asked him if he thought I should have my foot "looked at" and he said that if it's broken, it's broken on top (since I can walk on it with no problem) and the treatment is a good lace-up shoe.  I think I can handle that.

Brayden learned to mow the lawn.

(it's kind of nice that our boys are getting old enough to be "useful")

While I was making dinner for a neighbor who just had a baby, Justin stole the measuring cup out of the flour bin, scooped water out of the toilet, and put it in his potty.  When I found him he was soaked so I put him in the tub and asked Caleb to sit with him while I hurried to get dinner in the oven.  While playing with "Bub-bub" Justin stood up, and then slipped and hit the faucet with his eyebrow.  It popped open.  I didn't think he needed a stitch, but wasn't sure so I called the urgent care clinic to ask their opinion.  They suggested I bring him in, but luckily as the swelling went down, the cut closed up on it's own and he didn't need any stitches. (Both Brayden and Dillon have the same injury, only they each needed 6 stitches in their eyebrows)

I've waited my whole life to trap my kids in a bottle of soap (or at least the past few weeks).  I took their pictures in crazy positions, used Photoshop to take the background out, and had their pictures printed on a transparency at a copy shop.  Then we rolled 'em up and stuck 'em in the soap. It makes me smile.

Todd's mom came to visit and took me and the boys shoe shopping.  Brayden's new shoes are 1 1/2 sizes bigger than his old ones, and they fit ME.

We also had our first school track meet, Brayden and Caleb got awards at school, Grandma came to visit a second time, our friends Travis and Cami stopped by on their way through, we finally planted our tomatoes after getting our sprinkling system fixed, and we took a day trip to Vegas to have my quilting machine serviced and visit a 120,000 gallon aquarium with a Mermaid show.  Whew!  It's been a busy couple of weeks!  I'll blog about this other stuff soon...

Our Conference Weekend

It will likely take me a few days to post my semi-annual "Conference Favorites" post since our conference weekend didn't go exactly as planned.

It started out great.  Friday afternoon we had 84 degree weather and I remembered the slip'n'slide that I discovered while we were packing up to move.  Justin was a big fan.  I love this picture of his soaking wet shorts hanging down to his ankles.

After dinner that night, we discovered America's Funniest Home video's on Netflix instant stream and sat around as a family giggling the night away.

I was a little behind on my preparations for conference (packets not printed, and kitchen not completely clean) but I had meals and activities planned and was looking forward to taking notes like I did in October.

Saturday morning came along earlier than I expected :o) and at 9:45 I was printing conference packets for the kids.  I had planned to have them help me tidy up the kitchen/living room before conference began, but Todd got to them first and had them move all the food out of the storage room so he could fix the shelves between sessions.  I wish I had a "before" picture.  The shelves were so warped they were almost unusable.  I don't know exactly what Todd did, but they look 100% better.

When I went downstairs this morning to see my new shelves, I noticed that the rest of the food didn't quite make it back into the storage room...

Our friends Don and Becky were in town, and agreed to stop by between the Saturday sessions to look at my quilting room floor and tell us what we needed to do (Don is a contractor, and Becky is a longarm quilter).

Since they were coming, I spent the Saturday morning session listening to conference while I cleaned up my kitchen and living room, and mopped the floor.  Actually I kind of enjoyed it because the kids were downstairs "working on their conference packets" and Justin was taking his morning nap.  It felt good to make my kitchen floor sparkle, but I didn't take notes and by the end of the session I couldn't even remember the topic of one of the speakers!

Don and Becky got here between sessions and looked at my quilting studio, told us what we needed to do, and Don offered to help us that evening after his class.  He said it was a two hour job.  Of course we jumped at the offer!  I guarantee if Todd and I had tackled this ourselves, it would have been an entire day project, cost more than it needed to, and there may or may not have been swearing involved.  We ran out of cement mix and Home Depot was closed, so it's not finished, but at least we know what to do.  Don was right...it took them about an hour and a half to "feather" the cement and even out the 1" gap on the floor.  I am SO grateful for good friends!

Unfortunately, Todd had to miss the priesthood session of conference to get the room ready and buy the supplies needed in order to work on the room that night with Don.  I'm so glad the church makes it easy to access conference so he can still watch or listen to the session this week.

Sunday morning, our plans continued to get "derailed" when I woke up with a stomach bug.  I had told Caleb that we would celebrate his birthday on Sunday, because Todd is teaching a class on Monday night, and on Tuesday (his actual birthday) the kids have a choir concert.  Because I was sick, he didn't get the "bakery party" he had requested, but Todd fixed one of Caleb's favorite dinners (Navajo taco's) and made him a birthday cake.  He opened his presents straight out of the amazon boxes.

I listened to the Sunday sessions on the couch, between frequent trips to the bathroom.  Last night, before the kids went to bed, I asked them to bring me their conference packets so I could read what they wrote.  It turns out that they weren't exactly working on their packets while they were downstairs by themselves :o).  I didn't get much, but I loved Caleb's picture of Sister Beck.  I think we're going to review conference talks one at a time, for FHE over the next few months, and I'm going to have them fill out their packets one talk at a time.

I thought I was going to feel better today, but at 4 AM I was up tossing my cookies.  My wonderful husband, who was supposed to be at work at 7:00, re-arranged his schedule so that he could get the boys ready for school and drop them off.  (We are down to one vehicle until we get our tax return and fix Todd's truck, so I would've had to walk the kids to school because they have to cross a busy street without a crossing guard).

This is what I saw when I walked into the kitchen this morning...

Since I'm still not feeling well, I think I'll ignore the kitchen, put Justin down for a nap, and re-watch conference.  This time I'll take notes.

Prayin' for rain...in a cloud of dust

Thanks to my Brad Paisley loving husband, this song played on my ipod this morning and made me cry.

It hits a little too close to home.



This weekend someone told me that there are 17 houses for sale in our town (of 500 people). There are 12-14 in a nearby town, and about 50 county-wide.

And there are no jobs to bring people in.

I know of two houses that sold for about $30,000 less than they should have.

I've been discouraged this week.  All along I have felt such a sense of peace, and hope, and for some reason a few days ago it was just...gone.  And I don't know what has changed.

I am grateful to my friends Kristy and Lacy for their recent blog posts about trials that were perfectly timed.  I have thought about their words several times this week--especially the quote from "The Other Side of Heaven" that says, "Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; other times he calms the sailor...and sometimes He just lets us swim."

I guess that's me right now.  I'm swimming.

I'm not a very good swimmer.  Especially when I can't see the shore.  I don't even know the direction of the shore, and I'm having a hard time choosing which way to swim.

Should we wait around for our house to sell? Should we walk away? How long is our family willing to live apart? Should we rent our house out for less than our payment and then try to rent a place for ourselves PLUS make up the rest of our own house payment? Would it be wise to get a more fuel efficient car? Should we stop paying our house payment for three months so we can qualify for a loan modification?  Is there ANY answer that will allow us to keep our excellent credit rating? What am I supposed to learn from this?

Those are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.  I keep thinking of Dory from Little Nemo saying, "Just keep swimming..."

So for now I guess I'll just keep treading water...

And prayin' for rain through a cloud of dust.

Bleak

Yesterday was one of those days that you hope and pray will never happen to your family.

The company that Todd works for has a new CEO, who has decided to shut down the three therapeutic programs in our small community.

In a town of 500 people in the middle of nowhere, 200 will be losing their jobs.

The possibility of being able to sell our house is highly unlikely.

The outlook for many is bleak.

But, strangely enough, I feel okay about it. I don't know why this happened, and I don't know exactly how we'll get through it, but I know the Lord is watching out for us.  I can feel it so strongly it is almost tangible.  I've literally only cried a few tears, as I was telling our parents, but not even enough to mess up my mascara.

A couple years ago, both our Bishop and Stake President had an overwhelming feeling that we needed to "be prepared" as a community.  I remember Bishop saying he didn't know why, but he just couldn't shake the feeling.

And here we are.

I have absolutely no idea where to even begin or which path to follow, but I am calm and I feel peace.  There were a couple hours yesterday when I started to get angry, and I'm sure in the days to come we will experience a whole spectrum of emotions, but the anger passed quickly and I know deep down that it will all be okay.

Todd often says "When the Lord closes a door, he always opens a window...but that doesn't mean it won't be hell in the hallway".

It takes awhile to close a program like the one where he works, and luckily he can keep his job until August 2nd.  Some lost their job yesterday, and others will be laid off in May, June, and July.  We feel grateful to at least have some time for the dust to settle before we have to make any major decisions.

The spirit in our community is strong.  I have no doubt that people will rally together and weather the storm as a whole.  What we DO have is a bunch of people who know how to run residential and wilderness treatment facilities.  The possibility of keeping these programs going, on a private level, is actually a very real possibility...but it will take everyone working together.  No one person can do it alone.

It will be interesting, to say the least, to see where the rest of this year takes us.