I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart

Do you remember that song, by Reba McIntyre?  I finally looked it up and listened to it today.  It doesn't really apply, but that one line has been going through my head for days:  "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart".

Before I had kids, when I suffered a miscarriage, I took time off at work, cried, watched movies, and just kind of "checked out" for a few days.

That hasn't really been an option this time.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've rested (and retreated/crawled in bed to hide) plenty, and Todd and the boys have stepped up and done chores and cooked meals...but there's still so much that I have to stay "present" for.

I've helped to build a cell model, finish a book report on Tom Sawyer, and shuttle kids back and forth to 4-H, Scouts, Piano lessons, and Joy School.  I've driven to the clinic three times for blood work to determine that yes I was pregnant and did, in fact, miscarry.

Something new this time around, was that I had downloaded a couple of pregnancy apps, so when I got emails and notifications about my pregnancy, after the fact, it was a painful reminder that I've never dealt with in the past.

I've been surprised at how hard it has been to "move on".  You'd think I would have learned this by now! Getting back to my routine feels weird.  It's as if I'm trying to pretend that nothing happened, when something did happen! I feel like a completely different person than I was last week at this time.  Besides the obvious hormones, life is softer...more fragile.  I can't even listen to the same music.  I am more in tune with my children and their needs.  My priorities are different.  My prayers are more focused. My heart is tender and swollen.

I found this quote that says, "When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby.  When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."

Maybe that's why it's so hard to move on.  My whole world has changed, and all I have to show for it is a fuzzy picture, taken on my iphone, of that positive test*.

I'm not sure what to do to "protect the memory" but in the past I have made scrapbook pages, blog posts, etc. I don't know why it helps, but it does.  I now have nine "prints" on my heart, and even if the world moves on, a mother doesn't forget.  

And yet, I know that I need to move on.  I have four children who need me, and a resolve to "not shrink". I also have a stellar husband who needs [and deserves] to have me to carry on.  I am so grateful for his patience and help. He knew just what to do...and when.  From priesthood blessings, to holding me while I cried, to fixing dinner after a long day of work, and taking me to the temple--he has been my rock this week. 

Today I took my first big step "back to reality" by signing up for a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm planning to "attack" my kitchen and organize the cupboards and pantry. Everything's better when the kitchen is clean! 

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, calls, texts, comments, and messages. It means more than you know.

*And a maternity swimsuit.  I've had four kids and never owned a maternity swimsuit, but we go to the pool a lot here, and with a trip to the Oregon Coast planned for this summer, I figured it would be a necessity and took advantage of a clearance sale on last year's suits. If anyone needs a maternity suit this summer, I'd be happy to pass it along :o)