I'm learning...

My friend, Rachel, posted this on facebook.  Thank you, Rachel, for leading me to this talk right when I needed it.

It turns out that my pregnancy is not meant to be.

You'd think by now I'd be used to this, but it still hurts.

I wanted this baby. When I found out I was pregnant I instantly changed all the big plans I had for this year. I worried, but I always worry.  I also tried to have faith, and hope.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who texted back and forth with me when I shared my happy news and needed to talk. That's how I work through things.  Some might wonder why, after several miscarraiges, I don't wait longer to share my news.  For me, it is almost an act of faith.  It helps me to overcome the worry if I talk about it, think positively, and make plans.  In 2008, while I was in the midst of another miscarriage, Pres. Uchtdorf gave a talk on the infinite power of hope.  I gained a testimony of hope, and believe it is just as important as faith.

Even when things don't go the way I planned, I still have hope.  Hope in my Savior, who suffered all things. Hope that one day I will understand the heartache and trials.

In 1997, Elder Neal A. Maxwell visited BYU-I (I was there!).  Elder Bednar asked Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his struggle with cancer that year.  His answer was, "I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving".

In his October 1997 conference address, Elder Maxwell taught: "As we confront our own...trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we 'might not shrink'--meaning to retreat or recoil. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus".

Elder Bednar shared a quote from Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire".

Elder Bednar then shared the story of a young couple he knew, who came to him seeking a blessing when after only three weeks of marriage, the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Elder Bednar asked him, "Do you have the faith to not be healed?" Or in other words, do you have the faith to accept His will if it is contrary to your own.

Today I find myself in a similar place.  Needing to "overcome, through the Atonement of Christ, the 'natural man' tendency to demand impatiently and insist incessantly" on the blessing I want.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

Elder Bednar continues with the story of this couple, who overcame cancer only to have it return a few years later.  The man couldn't understand why this was happening to him again, and found his answer in the New Testament.

It so closely mirrors my feelings that I'm going to re-write it, changing a few things to pertain to my own situation:

I read the account of Christ and His Apostles on the sea when a tempest arose. Fearing the boat would capsize, the disciples went to the Savior and asked, 'Master, carest thou not that we perish?'

This is exactly how I feel!  "Carest thou not that I've already had four miscarriages and learned from them? Carest thou not that I really want this baby?"  But as I read on in the story, I found my answer. The Lord looked at them an said, "O ye of little faith," and He stretched forth His hand and calmed the waters.

And so I, like this man, ask myself, "Do I really believe this?" Do I really believe that He calmed the waters that day? Or is it just a nice story?  The answer is: I do believe, and because I know He calmed the waters, I know He could save my baby.

Until now, I have had a hard time reconciling the need for my faith in Christ with the inevitability of His will. It seems they sometimes contradict one another. Why should I have faith if His will ultimately will prevail?

I have learned that in this situation, having faith [or hope] does not mean that He would save my baby, but that He could save my baby. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him.

I believe that allowing these two ideas to co-exist--focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will--will bring comfort and peace in trials.

With my first miscarraige I learned that the Atonement was for all sorrow, not just for sin.  With my third I learned about the power of hope.  And now, with number five, I pray that I will not shrink.  That I will drink the bitter cup, without becoming bitter. That I will count my blessings and be grateful that I have had four successful pregnancies, and focus my attention on them...with an eye single to the glory of God.

It hurts. A lot. But I trust in Him.