Weighty matters

Once upon a time I was a tiny little newlywed.  At 5' 2" and 112 lbs, I'd never had to worry about my weight for a day in my life.  At college, people talked about the "freshman 15", but when I went away to school, I actually lost weight from all that extra walking around campus!  I ate what I wanted, although I was raised eating vegetables at every dinner and dessert only on Sundays, so I didn't really over-do it.  Eating healthy has never been a challenge. I grew up on white bread, but I always preferred wheat.  I rarely finished my Christmas and Easter candy because it just didn't tempt me.
I was not a very active teenager.  I liked drawing and creating...not dance or sports, but I moved sprinkler pipe on the farm and suffered my way through PE classes in school. I guess I just had a good metabolism.

When I got married at age 20, I fit into my sister's bridesmaid dress (she was 14 at the time).  I remember as a newlywed that if I sucked in, Todd was able to put his hands around my waist and his fingers could touch.

August 1998

 After I had my first baby, I lost all but 5 lbs and was back in my jeans within 8 weeks. I remember my Dr. telling me that I should gain 35-40 lbs with that pregnancy, and then looking at me and saying, "You might make it." When I did, he called me an "over-achiever".

After my second, I struggled for over a year with post-partum depression. I lost all but 10-15 lbs this time, but I was fine with it. I am blessed with a husband who loves me for who I am.  My weight doesn't matter to him, and I think because of that, it didn't really matter to me.  My weight didn't change who I was, and I had better things to worry about--like my mental health.

April 2003

Between 2003 and 2005, I started taking an anti-depressant and went on and off birth control pills.  Both are known to cause weight gain, so when it happened, I accepted it and moved on.  When I was twenty weeks pregnant with my third, I had my appendix out.  Because I was pregnant, they couldn't do the surgery laproscopically, and I had a pretty big cut across my belly.  Since my belly was growing while I tried to heal, I had to take it easy. I also had gallbladder trouble at the end of my pregnancy and I did A LOT of resting.  I don't think my scars completely healed until after I had the baby.

I think it was somewhere in this time that my thyroid levels started to plummet, although it took me four more years to figure it out.  After I had Dillon, I didn't lose a pound. In fact, by the time he was a few weeks old, I had gained another ten.  This was a stressful time for our family.  Todd was finishing up his thesis and getting ready to graduate, but USU denied us any more student loans, so we were basically living on credit cards to pay our bills.  Todd worked three different jobs, and I was quilting, but we just weren't making it.  We qualified for housing and food assistance, and that kept us going.

I don't want to get onto my soapbox here about food stamps, but I will tell you that the amount we were given was obscene. We could afford to eat ANYTHING we wanted but couldn't pay our bills.  If we didn't use up our food money, it rolled over to the next month. (If the government wants to know where to cut funds, I can sure tell them.)  Our food allowance was double what I spend now to feed our family of growing boys.  At the time, it was nice, because even though we couldn't afford to eat out, or go to a movie, we could splurge on food.  I remember eating Ben & Jerry's for every date night, and eventually I think I learned to cope with my financial stress by splurging on food.

I think it was a combination of the stress and subsequent hormone imbalance, and the newly formed "food addiction" (that I didn't even recognize) that got me to where I am now.

November 2005

Life continued to "happen", and within a year after Todd's graduation we were living in a new place, far from any family. We were only there for 3 months when we lost Todd's dad to cancer.  Todd struggled with depression for awhile after losing his dad, and I can tell you from experience that even though having depression is hard, having a spouse with depression is harder.  I gained a new appreciation for Todd after realizing what I had put him through. A few months later, we suffered our third miscarriage, and my hormone imbalance became worse.  I had fuzzy thinking, attention and memory problems, and not enough money to keep searching for a medical answer when my labs kept coming in "on the low side of normal".

October 2008

 In 2009, I started taking thyroid medicine that helped a lot with my "issues", although it didn't solve them completely. After another miscarriage and then my fourth pregnancy, I was finally feeling like myself again.  I went off anti-depressants completely and felt more balanced than I had in YEARS.  Even though I didn't like the way I looked, I never did any more than "wish" the pounds away, because my weight didn't change who I was.  I just accepted it.  I thoroughly enjoyed having that baby after so many years and I was not about to waste one minute of our precious time together.  Actually, by the time he was blessed (six weeks after giving birth) I had lost all my pregnancy weight and was even DOWN an extra 10 lbs.  Because of my gallbladder issues, I had been very careful about my eating while I was pregnant, and that made a huge difference.

At that time, I had every intention of losing more weight.  I had my gallbladder out, and I was feeling good.  Todd was content with his job, and we were slowly but surely plugging along...comfortably.

And then, as you know, Todd lost his job.  He moved into a travel trailer three hours away and came home on weekends, while I played "single mom" and tried to sell our house.  My "good intentions" of losing more weight were lost in the stress of that time. I watched my friends slowly move away and start their "new lives" while I waited for answers.  I mindlessly endulged in treats and my beloved Dr. Pepper almost daily, thinking that I deserved it, and it was somehow "helping me get through". When we finally sold our house and moved, I was almost back up to my delivery weight.

Moving brought a new start. I was thrilled to get settled, live in a warm climate, and to have my family all under one roof.  As soon as I got the bulk of the boxes unpacked, I joined Curves and started exercising. In a matter of three months, I had GAINED six pounds, and it wasn't muscle.

This is when I first started to feel "out of control".  I was so sure that as soon as I started exercising the pounds would melt away.  And they didn't.  For the first time in my life I truly understood that if I wanted to lose weight, I was going to have to change the way I was eating.  I still liked healthy foods, as always, but my portions were huge. For the past several years I had become accustomed to eating for comfort, and I liked the feeling of being stuffed.

Even though I didn't like the way I looked (and had been avoiding cameras for several years), I found myself so addicted to the comfort I found in food that I didn't even WANT to change my eating habits.  When I was faced with a decision of what to eat, I ate whatever I wanted with the intention of eating better "tomorrow".

The problem is, "tomorrow" never came.  There's always another tomorrow.

When I started struggling with depression again last fall, I knew I needed to make some changes.  I was running on "empty" and desperately needed to do something for myself.  I considered taking a class, but I was already stressed to the max and needed to simplify--not add one more thing to my plate.  For weeks I pondered what to do.  I finally came to the conclusion that the very best thing I could do for myself, for my health, my sanity, and my hormones, was to lose weight.  The only problem was that I didn't want to do what it would take.

That is when I started to pray.  I prayed for help to WANT to lose weight.  I had no doubt in my mind that I could do it, but only if I wanted it.  For two months, and through two fast Sundays I prayed for the desire to lose weight.  How I looked was not enough motivation for me.

Slowly, my prayers started to work.  I started noticing that at social functions I was the biggest girl in the room (when I used to be one of the smallest).  How did I let myself get to that place? I recalled something that Todd learned when he went to a conference last summer. It was on addiction, and the changes it makes in your brain.  The focus at this conference was mainly pornography addiction, but it also covered drugs, gambling, over-eating, and more.  He learned that in an MRI, the brain of a person who over-eats looks the same as a the brain of a person who has a pornography addiction.  Your brain actually gets "re-wired" and you are less able to make good decisions.

This bothered me.  I could handle the way I looked...as long as I didn't have to see myself in too many pictures, but to know that my over-eating could actually re-wire my brain, and was possibly the cause of so much of my "brain fog" was the start of my desire to do better.  Heavenly Father had blessed me with a body, and I was not taking care of it the way I should.

For the first time in my life, I started to feel the desire to lose weight.  Not the wish (because I've wished the pounds would go away for years), but the true desire to sacrifice something good, for something better.

I tell you all this incredibly long story of my weight gain, not looking for sympathy, but to show how I got to this place.  There were many factors that led to my weight gain, and many of them were valid reasons. My mistake was in assuming there was nothing I could do about it, and being content with that.

The family picture below will serve as my "before" picture.  My sis-in-law took it over Christmas break and my weight was at an all time high (two pounds more than the day I delivered Justin). I wish I had thought to have her take a picture of me by myself, but this will have to do.

January 2013

 When Todd's brother and his family came for New Years, we concocted a hair-brained plan to start a private group on facebook with the rest of his family to support each other in our efforts to lose weight.  We called it "Lean in '13", and as we discussed when we should start, my sis-in-law said, "Today. We should start today."

Truthfully, I don't know if I would have started "today" on my own.  I will forever be grateful for Becky's suggestion that we start that very day.  We went to Iggy's for lunch, and while we were there, I pulled out my new iPhone, brought up the MyFitnessPal app, and started recording my calories.

Six weeks later, I am down ten pounds.  A whole sack of potatoes...gone.

And I have no intention of stopping.

I've been in a funk...

You may have noticed I haven't posted in awhile.

Besides the fact that my computer is down for the count, I've also been in a bit of a funk, and haven't bothered to use Todd's laptop when it's been available.

I've been putting off this blog post because I'm not sure how to write it.  While I feel it's important to record some of the trials of life, both for posterity and therapy, I don't want to dwell on my problems and wallow in the "mud".  Also, when I look at the bigger picture, my problems are small compared to so many--including a couple very close friends who read my blog and are going through things so much more difficult than I can even imagine.  So, anyway, I'll be brief in my "venting", but will include it for posterity's sake.

It's no secret that I have struggled with depression on and off for the past ten years.  For the most part, I've felt really good for the past three years or so, even with Todd losing his job and our move.  A few weeks ago, however, depression reared it's ugly head and it hit me hard and fast...almost overnight.  There wasn't any one event that triggered it...I think I just finally "broke" after months and months of "holding it together" with all our life changes. I know myself, and knew it was time to see a doctor.  He put me on a medication that I've never heard of, and the side effects haven't been too pleasant, but on Saturday morning I woke up and from the minute I opened my eyes I felt better.  I thought, "I'm gonna clean my house today". And I did. And it was easy.  

I loathe the fact that I sometimes have to take medicine to feel better, and yet when I finally give in I am always amazed at the results, and wonder what took me so long.  As you can see, I'm not afraid to talk about it, because I've learned in the past that a lot of good can come from sharing my experience and possibly helping someone else.  I'm not saying that everyone out there should take medication for depression...please don't take it that way. Sometimes diet and exercise, or meditation, or prayer can solve the problem.  I've experienced that kind, too. Just know that if anyone out there is struggling with similar issues, I'm always willing to talk.  

Other reasons for my "funk" include car repairs, broken down air conditioning, two non-functioning computers, too much month at the end of our money (every. single. month.), a two year old who gets into everything and makes messes faster than I can clean, a husband who is struggling with his job, and eating too much sugar.

And that's all I have to say about that.

In other news:

Justin woke up with a fever yesterday and has been laying on the floor for two days straight.  It breaks my heart to see him so sick, and to hear his little whimpers.  It's times like these that I am so grateful that I am able to be at home and drop everything to love on him while he's sick.

My Dilly Willy got the first Super Citizen award of the year in his class at school.  I am one proud mama.

We found this little guy (dead, thankfully) next to our garbage can one morning.  Since two of our boys are obsessed with bats, it was quite the discovery.

Dillon came home from school on September 11th and drew this picture.  It's crazy to me that this happened several years before he was even born.  I spent the day thinking about how my kids don't even know what life was like before this terrible day.  They've never known a time when our country wasn't at war.

I've become slightly addicted to Words with Friends lately.  On any given day I've got 5-7 games going with Todd, my sister, and sometimes my brother and a few friends. It's been good for my brain, and I love having a small connection with my sister and friends who live across the country.

Speaking of friends, Vanessa sent me a quilt, all the way from Iowa, and included this note. It is such a small thing, but it made my whole week. I still have it hanging on my fridge. Oh, how I miss my friends from both Logan and Loa!  I don't have a close friend here, yet, and I am so thankful for Internet and cell phones that allow me to keep in touch with all of you.  With my computer down, I've been checking email and facebook on my Ipod, but haven't been reading blogs because the screen is so small.

My morning glory vines have taken over the back porch, and even though they're somewhat of a monstrosity right now, I love all the green.  I'll take all the green I can get in the desert. Todd thinks it looks like a giant uterus, and is annoyed that it hangs down onto his precious grass. (We had a hailstorm recently that knocked down most of the vines on the middle pole.)

It is October and we still have tomatoes growing!  I'm not sure when it will freeze, but it's been really fun to have such a long growing season.  My neighbors down the street start their garden in their garage under grow lights in January.  I don't think I'll start that early, but I hope to put in my cold plants in February.

Our pomegranates are almost ready!  I ate one yesterday and it was okay, but not quite ripe enough.

I don't have a picture, but Brayden turned twelve last week. He had his interview with the bishop and is going to be ordained a deacon this Sunday.  I'll post more about him (and his birthday) after this weekend.

We've continued to have visitors, which is one of the best parts of living "on the way" to somewhere. Todd's best friend and his family stayed with us during Conference weekend on their way home from seeing Wicked (so jealous...).  Also my parents stayed with us twice on their way to and from visiting my brother and his family. This weekend, all of Todd's "Utah family" will be here for Fall break, and his mom is going to stay through the winter in a local RV park.  We are excited to have Grandma so close and spend more time with her for the next six months!

I guess I'd better quit procrastinating and get ready for company.  I've got sheets to wash, food to cook, and a trailer to clean out.  I'm so thankful to be feeling better and have the energy to do it.  Hopefully Justin will stay content watching Curious George...

One year ago...

It was a year ago today that we found out Todd was going to lose his job.  

I posted a picture that day, that I took from our front step, that described how I felt.

This picture, taken from our new front step, is a pretty good description of how I feel now.

I closed my post (a year ago) with the words, 


"It will be interesting, to say the least, to see where the rest of this year takes us".  


And now, here we are.  We have felt the hand of the Lord throughout this year and I have received confirmation from the spirit that we are where we need to be.  We found the house that was prepared for us. The kids' transition couldn't have gone more smoothly.  We're still getting to know the ward members, but Todd's recent call as Elder's Quorum President should speed up that process :o). 


Life is good.


I have saved a little story for several months that I wanted to post today.


Soon after learning about the fate of Todd's job, we realized we were going to have to try to sell our house.  I knew the chances of selling it were slim, and I also knew that any equity we might have gained by finishing our basement was gone.  We considered refinancing to make our payment lower, but it never felt right.  As I was trying to muddle through our options, my cousin Erin came over one day and gave me a hug.  She has a degree in business (and had classes in marketing) and she left my house saying that she was going to go home to pray, and think about what she could do to help me.  


I have to back up here, and let you know that after we got our new van in 2008, we gave Erin and her husband our old van.  When they finished school and were looking for jobs, I heard about the one in our school district and let them know...and they got it.  When they were looking for a house, I directed them to the one they ended up buying.  She was constantly telling me that they "owed me" (which is crazy because I really didn't do anything...but anyway you get the idea). 


A couple days after Erin had been thinking and praying, she called me to tell me that the only thing she had come up with, was the name Bonnie Kaufman, who was a real estate agent in our area.  I had considered listing our house, but I knew we didn't have any equity so we really couldn't afford to use a realtor.  I put the idea in the back of my mind, and a few weeks later when I was desperate and didn't know what else to do, I called Bonnie Kaufman. 


She didn't paint a rosy picture.  She didn't want to discourage me, but didn't want to lead me on, either.  She told me that in all reality she didn't see our house selling for at least two years.  Still, she agreed to come look at it, and do what she could to help us, so we made an appointment.  At the end of our conversation, I was explaining the location of our house and told her it was the 2nd house North of the power company.  When I said that, she said "You live on the same block as the power company?  I wonder if they would want to buy it?  If I were you, I'd call them and see if they have any interest."


I knew it was a long shot, but I was desperate so I hung up with her, and called the CEO of the power company.  I explained our situation to him, and asked if there was any chance that they might be interested in buying my house.  He said, "Well, I don't know...maybe.  I'll have to bring it up at the next board meeting at the end of the month".  


Two months later, after working out similar "deals" with my neighbors, they called back and offered to buy our house.


The Lord works in mysterious ways.  Even though I didn't think using an agent was our answer, it was the agent who had the answer I was looking for.  And it was my dear cousin, Erin, who led me the solution to our problem.


Erin, you helped me a lot more than I helped you.  I'm so glad for the time we had together in "the middle of nowhere" and so thankful that you were "in tune" and willing to help when I needed it.  


What goes around comes around.

Prayin' for rain...in a cloud of dust

Thanks to my Brad Paisley loving husband, this song played on my ipod this morning and made me cry.

It hits a little too close to home.



This weekend someone told me that there are 17 houses for sale in our town (of 500 people). There are 12-14 in a nearby town, and about 50 county-wide.

And there are no jobs to bring people in.

I know of two houses that sold for about $30,000 less than they should have.

I've been discouraged this week.  All along I have felt such a sense of peace, and hope, and for some reason a few days ago it was just...gone.  And I don't know what has changed.

I am grateful to my friends Kristy and Lacy for their recent blog posts about trials that were perfectly timed.  I have thought about their words several times this week--especially the quote from "The Other Side of Heaven" that says, "Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; other times he calms the sailor...and sometimes He just lets us swim."

I guess that's me right now.  I'm swimming.

I'm not a very good swimmer.  Especially when I can't see the shore.  I don't even know the direction of the shore, and I'm having a hard time choosing which way to swim.

Should we wait around for our house to sell? Should we walk away? How long is our family willing to live apart? Should we rent our house out for less than our payment and then try to rent a place for ourselves PLUS make up the rest of our own house payment? Would it be wise to get a more fuel efficient car? Should we stop paying our house payment for three months so we can qualify for a loan modification?  Is there ANY answer that will allow us to keep our excellent credit rating? What am I supposed to learn from this?

Those are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.  I keep thinking of Dory from Little Nemo saying, "Just keep swimming..."

So for now I guess I'll just keep treading water...

And prayin' for rain through a cloud of dust.

It's time

"Let there be peace on earth public school

...and let it begin with me this week"

I think I'm ready.  Not as ready as other years, but it's time.  Time for a schedule, and a routine.  Time for school lunch. Time for my house to stay clean for 3 hours instead of 3 minutes.

Despite all our craziness this summer, it's been a good one...maybe our best ever.  We've played games, gone to the park, spent hours in the pool, and grown closer as a family.  It was much needed, because our last few summers have gone by too quickly.

But I'm ready to move on.  Unfortunately, we're still in limbo with no real prospects for selling our house.  We'll just have to make the best of our back-and-forth situation and hopefully our fall will be as great as our summer...though it's hard to imagine without Todd around.

I'll miss him when I have to mow the lawn, or start a fire in the mornings, or scrape the ice off my windows, or take the kids to school (he usually dropped them off on his way to work).

The internet at the trailer is not fast enough for skype, but we'll start having scripture study and FHE via speaker phone.  I'm going to try really hard to have all the chores done during the week so that when Todd is here on the weekends we can play.

And when everyone's gone to school and the baby is napping?  I'm going to play.  I've put in a lot of years to get to this point and it's my turn :o)  I haven't worked out my daily schedule yet, but it's going to include time to exercise.  And time to sew...for myself.  At least there are a few good things on the horizon... :o)

Left to Tell

I was talking to my friend Cathy a few weeks ago, and the topic turned to prayer.  She told me about this book she had just read, called "Left To Tell".

It is the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza, who survived the Rwandan Holocaust in the early nineties.  She spent three months hiding in a 3'x4' bathroom with SEVEN other women.  They literally had to sit on top of each other, and barely spoke a word for fear of being discovered. When she began hiding, she weighed 115 lbs, and when she got out, she weighed 65 lbs.  The thing that got her through this ordeal was the relationship she developed with God.  She prayed for nearly 20 hours a day, and through her experience, she learned how to communicate with Him, seek for His will, and forgive the evil men who killed a million of her people, including her family.

This is the first paragraph of the forward in the book:

"I've read thousands of books over the past 50 or so years.  The book you hold in your hands is by far the most moving and poignantly significant of the vast library that comprises my lifetime of personal reading.
You're about to embark on a journey that will undoubtedly change the way you view the power of faith--forever."

It is not an easy book to read, because of the horrific things she describes, but I am so glad I read it.  She believes that the reason she survived this ordeal, is so that she could share her story and help others to heal through His love.

It made me think twice about my own problems, and how insignificant they are.  Todd took the book tonight so he could return it to the library on his way to work tomorrow, and already I wish I had it back to re-read.

I hope that I can apply some of the things she learned to improve my own faith and prayers.

Thou art not yet as Job...

I'm chuckling to myself right now as I think back on this crazy summer, and marvel at the blessings we've received. 

I wrote here about our trailer nearly blowing over in the wind a few weeks ago.   What I didn't mention is that the next week the same thing happened again!  This time, Todd moved our trailer to a new spot.  Dillon never says a prayer now, without praying for our trailer while we're away.

In addition to the wind, we've also faced floods, fire, insects, cankers, and let us not forget the 100+ degree temperatures, and the swoobs* that go with it.

Before the kids and I left for our recent trip to the trailer, we had a major downpour, and water started leaking from the ceiling vent in the bathroom.  Here's Justin playing in it:

I took this picture of our backyard so Todd could see what it looked like as we left:

 We had a river in our driveway

 And when we got to the RV resort, we discovered there had been a fire on the mountain (1/2 block away).  It's hard to tell in the picture, but everything in the background was burned.

 Here's a better picture that I took a little ways down the road. I'm not sure if the park was evacuated.  If it was, we weren't here to move our trailer anyway.

While Todd was driving down last time, he ran into a mob of mormon crickets, and at night there are cockroaches everywhere (so far only outside of the trailer).

I think the stress of our situation has caused me to clench my teeth at night...with my tongue in between, so I have cankers all along both sides of my tongue.

The funny thing is, that even with all the craziness, I feel more relaxed and have spent more time with my kids than the past two summers combined. 

The days when we are home are a little hairy.  With Todd away I'm a single parent, while trying to keep the house "show ready" and finish the quilts I've had for way too long.  

The days when we visit Todd at the trailer have been really good for us.  The kids have been forced to be more creative in making their own fun. This morning I found them outside playing charades :o)  Cleaning the trailer takes about 30 minutes (with dishes and floor mopping) and then we're free to go to the pool, or the library, or do laundry at the clubhouse (I love doing 3 loads at once!).  I've enjoyed spending time with my kids without the stress of quilting, or yardwork, or the constant "Is it 3:00 yet? Can we play wii?".  The boys love to walk down to the garbage/recycling center at dusk to watch the bats flying in the air, and I love living close to a craft store :o).

All in all, it's been a good summer.  Not at all like I expected or planned, but good.  Honestly, if I had to choose it again, I would.  There are parts of it that really stink, but as always the blessings have outweighed the trial.  We have been stretched, molded, and pulled out of our comfort zone. We've been forced to rely on the Lord more, and focus on the things that are most important, and I believe we are better for it.

*sweaty + boobs = swoobs

The latest

I feel like time has been at a complete standstill since the announcement that Todd was going to lose his job.

I've stayed plenty busy, and accomplished a lot, but when I look back at this time in some future day, I really think it's all just going to be a big blur in my memory.

I hope that if nothing else, I will remember the overwhelming sense of peace that I've been blessed with.  I have no doubt that we are being watched over, and I am so appreciative of all our family and friends for their love and prayers in our behalf.  We feel that support.

Most of you probably already know that Todd accepted a job offer last week.  We are grateful for the opportunity, especially since we have both felt drawn to the area and feel good about it. He will be doing therapy in a residential treatment center for teens, and working towards building a private practice on the side.

Our next matter of business is to sell our house.  We don't have any leads right now, but again I feel a sense of peace that it's all going to be okay.  We are looking into buying a camping trailer for Todd to live in, while the kids and I stay here until our house sells. Luckily we will only be about 3 hours apart so we can see each other on weekends.  I hope and pray that this won't last too long, and that we'll be able to move before the kids start school in the fall.

For my own record-keeping purposes, I'm including a list of what we've done in the last month or so.

Since I've last blogged:

- Brayden spent a week with an unusual stabbing pain, low grade fever, and loss of appetite that I was afraid was appendicitis.  After several tests to rule out appendicitis, bowel blockage, kidney or urinary tract infections, or testicular problems, a radiologist looked at his x-rays and determined that he had pneumonia! It was definitely one of the strangest medical mysteries we've encountered thus far.

-The school year ended and the kids graduated from Kindergarten, 3rd, and 4th grades.  I feel way too young to have a 5th grader.

- Another one of my dear friends, Vanessa, moved away.  I'm still in denial about it.  I've been so caught up in my own craziness that I didn't even have a chance to help with her move.  I stopped by to say good-bye before she left and cried all the way home.  This is saying something since I've been "emotionally constipated" for the past several months and have barely shed a tear.  Miss you, V.  Please find a job close to ours...

-Todd's Mom, sister, and brother and family came to visit us over Memorial Day Weekend.  Linda was a huge help in getting our house ready to show, and we enjoyed our time together.  We made the 2 hour drive to Goblin Valley, but only stayed for about 45 minutes because of the darn wind. We were cleaning sand out of our ears for two days afterward.

- We drove North the following weekend to attend our niece Emily's baptism.  I don't feel old enough to have nieces and nephews getting baptized.

And now I'm off to make S'mores with the kiddos.  Todd just pulled in from work and we have some gigocious marshmallows to roast over the fire pit.

My bad

I ate six snickerdoodles yesterday.

I knew better, but I didn't care.  Emotional eating, I guess.

So here I am at 4:30 AM blogging, since I can't digest them thanks to my obnoxious gallbladder.

Did I mention I'm having surgery in a couple weeks?  My gall bladder and I simply cannot get along any more, and I need to get rid of it before we lose our health insurance.

It's been an interesting week (and a half).

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the beginning of last week and be wondering which color to paint our master bedroom.

Instead, we are trying to sell our house and look for jobs.

The boys are taking it pretty well.  Brayden is the most upset.  He's worried about running out of food, and leaving his best friend, Tanner.  Caleb hasn't said too much, although he always remembers our situation in his prayers.  Dillon is convinced that we should move, along with Tanner and his family, to a place where we can build houses that are attached.

We've assured Brayden that we have lots of food storage, and that if we have to move away from Tanner he can keep in touch through e-mail. I'm just letting Dillon believe it would be a good idea to build a house attached to Tanner's because it's easier than arguing with him.

Todd has been sending out resume's, and I have been taking pictures of the house and eating snickerdoodles.

I have moments of worry, but overall things here are calm...more calm than usual.  I know it's because of the many prayers being offered in our behalf and the tender mercies of a Heavenly Father who is watching out for us, and carefully guiding us down a path we wouldn't have chosen for ourselves.

Thankfully, we know that He knows what is best.

(wish I had been thinking of that when I ate all those cookies...)

The rest of the day...

After that last post, my day continued downhill.

Our internet went out (for a day and a half) and I discovered I can't even cook dinner without google by my side!  I didn't miss e-mail or blogs, but it drove me crazy when I got my Bountiful basket, and couldn't look up recipes for mangoes, or learn how to open a coconut.

I spent the evening researching for Dillon's "Mario birthday party" by actually playing Mario bros. on the wii, instead of looking things up online.  My boys stood by my side yelling things like, "JUMP MOM!" or "We already told you how to do that!" and "Hurry up! Do you realize you're being timed?"

When I felt I had gained sufficient knowledge of Mario and his friends (and after I saved Toad and conquered level 1), I sent the kids to bed just in time for Dillon to throw up.

He made it to the toilet...sort of.  I think I'm going to have to take the toilet seat apart to clean in all the crevices.

Dillon slept fine through the night, but Caleb woke me up at 3 AM gasping for air.  He could barely breathe. He coughed (barked) and I knew immediately that it was croup (isn't he too old for that?).  I bundled him up and took him outside into the cold air while I called the on-call doctor.  We have a nebulizer so the doctor had me give him a breathing treatment at home, and while I was searching through the medicine cabinet I found one last steroid pouch...hallelujah!...so, we didn't have to go to the clinic in the middle of the night.

In the morning, Dillon threw up again, and I took Caleb in to the doctor to get an oral steroid to keep his trachea from swelling closed again.

We spent the rest of the weekend napping and taking it easy.

Honestly, it was probably the best thing that could've happened.  It's sad that it takes sickness to slow us down sometimes.

I was able to find my kitchen countertops, and when our internet came back on, Todd and I watched old episodes of The Cosby Show while we folded Mt. St. Laundry.

Can I just comment on The Cosby Show?  It is hilarious.  And clean.  It was so refreshing. Our kids were already in bed, but that is one show that I could have playing in my house, and not worry about what my kids might see or hear when they walk through. I can't even think of a current show that I can say that about.

Now I've got to get moving.  Today is Dillon's birthday, and I've got a party to throw.  More pics later...

I never cry the day I take the tree down...

I was a little slow getting my tree down this year, but not because I didn't want to do it.

It seems like I'm a few weeks behind in almost everything.

I finally got the tree down about a week and a half ago, and I'm now I'm almost ready to make my new year's resolutions.

Sometimes I wish I could push "PAUSE" on the rest of the world while I hurry and catch up.

I wouldn't change anything, though.

I am loving this time I have with my kids.  I love having kids old enough to fix a sandwich, hold the baby, or play games for ages 8 and up.

I love singing to my baby and being rewarded with smiles and babbling.

I love having time alone with Dillon before kindergarten, while the baby takes his morning nap.

I love that we have opportunities like scouts, piano lessons, 4-H, and yes, I'm even grateful for basketball this year.

I love that my kids are not yet into MP3 players, cell phones, or gadgets that start with "i" or "e".  They're still perfectly happy to play with a cardboard box.

And even though I don't love the never-ending laundry, hours of homework, and the pee on the toilet seat, I know these days will pass too quickly...

So I'm gonna soak 'em up.

Even if it means that I don't get around to my new year's resolutions until February.