Miscarriage #6

I'm afraid I've waited too long to post this, but I want to get some thoughts down since this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal.

Warning: If you are male, there may be too much information and you may want to skip this post.

 I found out on Valentines Day that I was pregnant again.  I cried most of the day because I didn't feel emotionally ready to deal with another pregnancy.  This time, however, I started feeling sick and that always gives me reassurance. I was hopeful that things would be different this time. 

I read online that as your hcg level goes up, the tests will get darker and appear faster, so I conducted my own little science experiment to see if my hcg levels were rising...and they were.

Because of my history, I have to take progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant, so I usually have to call a doctor right away, but this time I already had a supply because of my pregnancy the month before.  I started taking it, and decided that I wouldn't call a doctor until I made it past 6 weeks.

Six weeks came, and I was still feeling sick, so I called the doctor, and he ordered hcg blood tests and an early ultrasound.  I had the first test, and the number was low, but barely in the normal range.  A few days later, when the second test came in with a lower number than the first, we knew that the pregnancy was not viable.  I got the test results an hour before the pinewood derby, and managed to pull myself together enough to watch Dillon, and race my pink car.

We had planned a family getaway for Spring Break that weekend, and already had our hotel reservations, so we went ahead with our plans and I hoped that the miscarriage would "wait" until we got home from our vacation.  The doctor said he could give me some medication that would help "speed things up" when I got home, and I had every intention of taking it so I could "move on" as soon as possible.

The day after we got home, I had to have another blood test to check my levels, and this time they were "hovering".  Apparently after a week they should have dropped significantly.  Because of this, the doctor suspected that the pregnancy was ectopic.  I went in the next day for an ultrasound and found out that it was in my right tube.  I had two shots of a cancer drug (in my bum) to help "dissolve" the pregnancy and hopefully avoid surgery.

The drug made me nauseated, and I pretty much stayed in bed for a week.  The bleeding and cramping began and was much worse than my previous miscarriages.  I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I did that week.  Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about having a miscarriage, I was blindsided...and humbled.  With all of my others, I felt a huge outpouring of the spirit.  Even though I was devastated, I could feel Heavenly Father's love so strong.  This time...I did not.  And I didn't understand.

I started to feel guilty.  I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I just couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling His love.  I felt darkness.  Evil.  I started to wonder if I was spiraling into some horrible post-partum psychosis.  I prayed and prayed and felt nothing.  I tried to describe how I felt to Todd, but there weren't words.  The only word I could come up with was guilt.

I finally asked Todd for a blessing, and to my surprise, in that blessing he described EXACTLY how I felt. Using words that even I couldn't find, he (or rather He) described how I was feeling.  I knew, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father was aware of me.  He (and the Savior) knew exactly what I was feeling.  I still couldn't understand why I didn't feel that outpouring of love, but I knew that I was not alone.

It took a few days, but when I was able to look back on the experience, I felt strongly that there was some reason that I needed to feel "alone".  I needed to use it as a learning experience.  I still don't understand it completely, but it has made me want to be more aware of the spirit and sensitive to any promptings I might have to help someone.  I also learned that even when we have experienced something several times, we still never truly know how someone else is feeling.

I was upset at losing another pregnancy, but also annoyed to be going through this again...so soon.  I just wanted it to all be over so I could move on.

Queue the lesson on patience.

This has truly been the miscarriage that never ends.  The bleeding and cramping lasted for weeks.  And just when I thought it was over, it would start again.

After spending a week in bed (after a week of Spring Break and vacation), things in the house were starting to fall apart.  My fridge was full of moldy, rotting food, and it was time to do something about it.

I took everything off the shelves, filled an entire garbage can with old food and produce gone bad, and piled everything that was still okay on my counter.  Just as I was ready to wipe down the shelves (oh, they were bad), I felt a "gush" and ran to the bathroom leaving the fridge open.

The cramping started again, and I burst into tears because I was afraid I might be hemhorraging, and I was overwhelmed with my fridge project.  I walked back into the kitchen to try to figure out what to do with the mess, and discovered my sweet Justin carefully putting the food from the counter back in the fridge.

It was such a sweet, tender mercy...to know that Heavenly Father could help my three year old know what to do, to let his mama know that she was loved.  

Incidentally my visiting teacher, who had already talked to me that morning while I was feeling fine, called back in the afternoon to see if I was okay.  I told her what had happened and that I was back in bed, and she promptly brought dinner for the second time that week.

It has been 7 weeks now, and I am waiting for my test results from today's blood draw to see if the hcg is finally out of my system (which would mean that the pregnancy has completely dissolved or passed).  I decided that I needed to wait until my hormones had settled down before I could attempt to make any kind of decision about whether or not we are "done" having kids.  It's a question I have struggled with for a long time, and don't have an answer yet, but I trust that the answer will come.  I am still learning the "language of the Spirit", and appreciated Sister Linda K. Burton's talk that came at a time when I needed it.  I would highly recommend watching it.

Thank you for all your love and prayers.  I asked on facebook if any of my friends had experienced an ectopic pregnancy, because I needed to talk.  Five friends responded, and chatted with me, and all five of them lost a tube.  I guess I am lucky that the pregnancy ended early.