May looked like this... part one

A friend of mine from Wayne County always used to say that May is every bit as busy as December.  After trying to put together this blog post, I have to agree! There hasn't been a dull moment this month. 

Left to Right, Top to bottom:

-The "fourth" was with me for my birthday this year, as I happened upon a garage sale down the street and snagged a 5' wide electric fireplace for about 1/15th of the original cost.  Our heat pump just doesn't quite do the job for the two months of winter here.  Now we have a fireplace for upstairs and down.

-Brayden and Caleb finished their cooking merit badge by making Taquitos for dinner. It took a lot longer than if I'd done it, but they tasted great!

-Justin got really sick* (food poisoning?) and he and I spent an entire night awake on the livingroom floor.  Poor little guy lost nearly 5 lbs. overnight.  It took him a few days to recover, but he's back to his usual crazy self.

-In the center pic, he is showing me his playdough robot, and to the right, he earned his flashy badge for [finally] pooping in the potty.  We have #1 down pat, but we're still working on #2.

-Caught my crazies in the chair together, and tried to get them to hold still long enough for a picture...

-End of school activities included Brayden and Caleb's orchestra concert (not pictured), and Dillon's Art night.  His elephant was one of two that were displayed in a frame.

* Let me clarify, that Justin's sickness had nothing to do with his brothers' taquitos :o)

I can't help but take pictures of the garden growing.  It's so magical to me.  I think I lack faith that things will really grow from that little seed, so when they do, I get pretty excited.

Left to Right; Top to bottom:
Blossoms on our brand new apple tree, strawberry harvest, first tomato, new pomegranate tree, polka dot plant, first bloom on our trumpet vine, Corn!, planter box, and Todd planting my Mothers Day roses (late at night).

April looked like this...

We haven't had a dull moment in April. It started with sickness, ended with sickness, and we had company every weekend in between.

Top to bottom; left to right:

-Justin was sick during the first week of April.  I finally took him to the pediatrician after 4 days of fever, just to be told it was a virus.  He started to perk up on the drive home.  Todd got the same "bug" which caused a sinus infection.

-Caleb turned twelve!  We went to the Aquatic Center with cousins to celebrate.  He is busy with student council, orchestra (violin), 4-H (computer coding), and Scouts.

-Michael and Becky came to visit for Conference Weekend (Todd's brother and fam).  The boys loved playing with their girl cousins, especially 7 mos old Caitlyn.

-Caleb took good notes during Conference with his new Kindle, and when we played Conference Jeapardy a week later, he nearly beat me!

-While Pres. Monson was talking about treating our family with kindness, we had some serious brotherly love goin' on.

-Dillon participated in his school track meet, and Justin and I watched all his events without getting sunburned.

-Grandpa came to visit and got our yard whipped into shape.  I wish I had a recording of the moment we drove up to the nursery...he giggled.

-Grandpa made us an herb garden out of a kiwi crate from the grocery store.  He also planted corn, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, peas, beets, lettuce, beans, peppers, carrots, onions, zucchini, an apple tree, a pomegranate tree, a canna lily, a wheelbarrow full of succulents, a trumpet vine, and four pots of flowers. While he did all that, I made breakfast.

-Caleb was ordained a deacon, and passed the sacrament for the first time.

-Four generations.  Grandma Great came down with Grandpa and we loved having her here (my mom was  helping my sister who just had baby #4).  Grandma's only brother lives around the corner from us, so she got to see him as well.

-Todd and I saw Vince Gill and Amy Grant at Tuacahn, and loved it.  I'm pretty sure we were the youngest couple there, but we didn't care.

-Todd spoke at a Relief Society meeting for another ward, and thanks to my mother-in-law watching the kids, I got to attend.  I loved catching a glimpse of what he does for a living.  So much of his job is confidential that I never really get to see him in action.  This was as close as it gets, and I loved every minute.

-My sis-in-law, Carrie, and her two boys stayed with us on their way to Cache Valley.  Gabriel and Justin are the same age and had a great time playing together.  This fuzzy pic is the best I could get of two active three-year olds.

-We dyed easter eggs out on the patio, just as the sun set.  I like to do the "fluffy" stuff on Saturday, but we were so busy working in the yard that we ended up doing our easter egg hunt on Sunday. It was warm enough that the chocolate in our plastic eggs melted.  Next year we'll have to do a glow-in-the dark hunt on Saturday night.

-The kids came home from church and changed before I got a family picture, but Todd was kind enough to oblige.

-For Easter break we decided to stay local.  We toured the Jacob Hamblin home, and the Brigham Young summer home.  We planned to tour the tabernacle, but Justin had had enough.  We ate "linner" at the Black Bear Diner, and Caleb ordered the biggest "bowl" of Chili we'd ever seen.

-This is a salad I made for Todd to take to work one day. He still has to be pretty careful about what he eats ever since we started our anti-inflammatory diet, but it's getting easier.

-I got a lamp post at DI for $15, and Todd had to run electricity from my quilting studio, under a sidewalk, under rocks, and through a cinderblock wall to light it.  He put it on a timer so it turns itself on and off at night.  I love it!  The only time we play outside in the summer is after dark, so I'm excited to have light next to our sand box.

-This picture is of Justin with a breadstick from the Pizza Factory.  Todd and I had a lunch date there, and he was our third wheel.

-We are deep in the throes of potty-training.  I continued my tradition of waiting way too long in the hopes that it will go faster.  So far, it hasn't been too bad. Every time Justin uses the "potty", he gets to put a fish sticker on his ocean chart.  He has given each fish a name...one for each family member, grandmas and grandpa, and now he's adding cousins.

Not Pictured:

-Our friends Cami and Travis stopped by on their way to CA, and we loved seeing them again. They left me with a quilt for their baby (due in July), and I quilted it during the week so they could pick it up on their way back through.

-Grandma left to go back to Washington after spending six months here in an RV park.  I still can't figure out where the time went. We have had a crazy few months!

-My Uncle Wayne and Aunt Anita were kind enough to pull our trailer back from Cache Valley (it's been there since last Summer because Todd's brother was living in it). They rounded out our 4th week of visitors.

-Todd took the older two boys on a scout camp out where it rained and was windy all night long.  I stayed home with the younger two boys, and ended up with a fever from my sinus infection. Brayden came home coughing after a night in a wet sleepping bag, and since then, everyone else has gotten sick.  Dillon has a croupy cough, Brayden has missed two days of school, and now Todd (who had just recovered from his sinus infection) has a fever.

Miscarriage #6

I'm afraid I've waited too long to post this, but I want to get some thoughts down since this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal.

Warning: If you are male, there may be too much information and you may want to skip this post.

 I found out on Valentines Day that I was pregnant again.  I cried most of the day because I didn't feel emotionally ready to deal with another pregnancy.  This time, however, I started feeling sick and that always gives me reassurance. I was hopeful that things would be different this time. 

I read online that as your hcg level goes up, the tests will get darker and appear faster, so I conducted my own little science experiment to see if my hcg levels were rising...and they were.

Because of my history, I have to take progesterone as soon as I find out I'm pregnant, so I usually have to call a doctor right away, but this time I already had a supply because of my pregnancy the month before.  I started taking it, and decided that I wouldn't call a doctor until I made it past 6 weeks.

Six weeks came, and I was still feeling sick, so I called the doctor, and he ordered hcg blood tests and an early ultrasound.  I had the first test, and the number was low, but barely in the normal range.  A few days later, when the second test came in with a lower number than the first, we knew that the pregnancy was not viable.  I got the test results an hour before the pinewood derby, and managed to pull myself together enough to watch Dillon, and race my pink car.

We had planned a family getaway for Spring Break that weekend, and already had our hotel reservations, so we went ahead with our plans and I hoped that the miscarriage would "wait" until we got home from our vacation.  The doctor said he could give me some medication that would help "speed things up" when I got home, and I had every intention of taking it so I could "move on" as soon as possible.

The day after we got home, I had to have another blood test to check my levels, and this time they were "hovering".  Apparently after a week they should have dropped significantly.  Because of this, the doctor suspected that the pregnancy was ectopic.  I went in the next day for an ultrasound and found out that it was in my right tube.  I had two shots of a cancer drug (in my bum) to help "dissolve" the pregnancy and hopefully avoid surgery.

The drug made me nauseated, and I pretty much stayed in bed for a week.  The bleeding and cramping began and was much worse than my previous miscarriages.  I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I did that week.  Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about having a miscarriage, I was blindsided...and humbled.  With all of my others, I felt a huge outpouring of the spirit.  Even though I was devastated, I could feel Heavenly Father's love so strong.  This time...I did not.  And I didn't understand.

I started to feel guilty.  I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I just couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling His love.  I felt darkness.  Evil.  I started to wonder if I was spiraling into some horrible post-partum psychosis.  I prayed and prayed and felt nothing.  I tried to describe how I felt to Todd, but there weren't words.  The only word I could come up with was guilt.

I finally asked Todd for a blessing, and to my surprise, in that blessing he described EXACTLY how I felt. Using words that even I couldn't find, he (or rather He) described how I was feeling.  I knew, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father was aware of me.  He (and the Savior) knew exactly what I was feeling.  I still couldn't understand why I didn't feel that outpouring of love, but I knew that I was not alone.

It took a few days, but when I was able to look back on the experience, I felt strongly that there was some reason that I needed to feel "alone".  I needed to use it as a learning experience.  I still don't understand it completely, but it has made me want to be more aware of the spirit and sensitive to any promptings I might have to help someone.  I also learned that even when we have experienced something several times, we still never truly know how someone else is feeling.

I was upset at losing another pregnancy, but also annoyed to be going through this again...so soon.  I just wanted it to all be over so I could move on.

Queue the lesson on patience.

This has truly been the miscarriage that never ends.  The bleeding and cramping lasted for weeks.  And just when I thought it was over, it would start again.

After spending a week in bed (after a week of Spring Break and vacation), things in the house were starting to fall apart.  My fridge was full of moldy, rotting food, and it was time to do something about it.

I took everything off the shelves, filled an entire garbage can with old food and produce gone bad, and piled everything that was still okay on my counter.  Just as I was ready to wipe down the shelves (oh, they were bad), I felt a "gush" and ran to the bathroom leaving the fridge open.

The cramping started again, and I burst into tears because I was afraid I might be hemhorraging, and I was overwhelmed with my fridge project.  I walked back into the kitchen to try to figure out what to do with the mess, and discovered my sweet Justin carefully putting the food from the counter back in the fridge.

It was such a sweet, tender mercy...to know that Heavenly Father could help my three year old know what to do, to let his mama know that she was loved.  

Incidentally my visiting teacher, who had already talked to me that morning while I was feeling fine, called back in the afternoon to see if I was okay.  I told her what had happened and that I was back in bed, and she promptly brought dinner for the second time that week.

It has been 7 weeks now, and I am waiting for my test results from today's blood draw to see if the hcg is finally out of my system (which would mean that the pregnancy has completely dissolved or passed).  I decided that I needed to wait until my hormones had settled down before I could attempt to make any kind of decision about whether or not we are "done" having kids.  It's a question I have struggled with for a long time, and don't have an answer yet, but I trust that the answer will come.  I am still learning the "language of the Spirit", and appreciated Sister Linda K. Burton's talk that came at a time when I needed it.  I would highly recommend watching it.

Thank you for all your love and prayers.  I asked on facebook if any of my friends had experienced an ectopic pregnancy, because I needed to talk.  Five friends responded, and chatted with me, and all five of them lost a tube.  I guess I am lucky that the pregnancy ended early.

March looked like this...

Top to Bottom; Left to right:

- Dillon turned nine!  He invited a friend to go swimming with our family for his birthday activity. He has started piano lessons, and moved in to the Bear group in Cub Scouts.

- We participated in [yet another] pinewood derby.  Dillon's Seahawk's car took first place in his age group.

- My derby car was pink and glittery and had a W.R.A.P (white ribbon against pornography) on the bumper. It also took first place in the family division, which Todd was proud of because he had to hollow out the entire inside to make it light enough to compete.  I only cared about the glitter paint and the bow.

- I got pregnant right after my last miscarriage (found out on Valentine's Day), and then found out an hour before the pinewood derby that I was going to have another miscarriage.  Dr. was monitoring my hcg level, and when it started to go down, we knew it wasn't a viable pregnancy. It was a rough few weeks, but Justin took good care of me.

-For Spring Break, we had planned a getaway to Las Vegas.  We chose a hotel with an amazing pool and a full kitchen, and had a great time relaxing as a family.  I was waiting to miscarry, so it was a good distraction.

-While in Vegas, we drove to the temple grounds and talked to the kids about how there is good and evil anywhere you go in the world, and you can find what you are looking for. They refused to go to the Strip, which was fine.  When we left town I asked them if they felt like they had just spent three days in "Sin City", and they said no.  It was a good experience for them.

-The hotel also had a game room, where we played checkers, pool, and air hockey.

-We also visited to Red Rock State Park.  It was beautiful, but not the kind of red rocks we are used to!

- On the way home, we got caught in a line-up of cars that were backed up because of an accident and a vehicle fire.  We finally pulled off at a gas station when we had less than a quarter of a tank, and the station was out of gas!  We had to get back on the freeway going the other direction and backtrack to get gas.

- After our vacation we found out that our pregnancy was ectopic.  I had to have two shots of a cancer drug to "dissolve" the pregnancy, and go to the lab for weekly blood tests to make sure the pregnancy completely dissolves.  As of right now, my hcg level is still at 37.  I go in tomorrow, and hope it is down to zero.

- As soon as I was feeling up to it, I took the house by storm, and cleaned out several closets and rooms.  I still have plenty to do, but it felt good to de-junk and "lighten up".

- Silly Justin can always make me smile :o)

- We came home from church one Sunday and found that a wind gust had knocked my beloved crabapple tree into our house, and broken our main water line.  Within minutes, our home teachers showed up for a scheduled appointment.  They helped us get the water shut off, then went home to change, and returned with shovels and extra help. Within three hours we had the hole dug, the branches cut, the stump pulled, and  the water line fixed.  It was all because of people doing their callings.  I feel very blessed by how it all turned out, although I miss my tree :o(

- Dillon made a bat/desert diorama for school.  He learned about hot glue the hard way, but he did a great job on his project.

Todd is 40!

My amazing husband is turning 40 tomorrow, so I put together a little slide show/tribute for him.  The songs I chose are two songs that he listens to almost every single day.  Usually on the way home from work, or sometimes in the morning while he's in the shower, but he has made them a part of his daily life for several years now.  He truly lives the words of these songs, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Happy Birthday, Todd.  I love you. Thank you for you.

February looked like this

Top to bottom, left to right:

- Todd's before and after pics.  Awesome.  I'm so proud of him.  He's lost 45 lbs since July of last year.  I need to find a good "before" of myself, and then have someone take an after.  I'm always the one behind the camera!

- Caleb had to dress up as Walt Disney for his wax museum at school.  He read a biography, wrote a summary, and memorized his part.  On the day of the presentation, the parents attended the "museum" and pressed a "button" on the floor to make the "figures" come to life. He did a great job!

-Todd helped my Webelos make pinewood derby car stands.  They loved working with him!  Perhaps it was no coincidence that a week later he was called to be the 11 yr. old scout leader.  When he stood in church as his name was read, one of the boys shouted, "yay" from the back of the overflow. Several of my boys will move into his group within the next two months.

-We went to "Hee-Haw" at the RV park where Grandma lives during the winter.  It is always fun, and the jokes they tell keep you in stitches.  Grandma sang tenor and looks like a rose among thorns in this picture!

-Valentines day was interesting.  Dillon is the only child who got to trade valentines at school.  Brayden and Caleb are too old, and Justin too young.  Luckily mom sent them all chocolate and bubble gum, and I made heart shaped pancakes for breakfast.  I think they felt loved :o). Todd still can't have a lot of foods, so I gave him some organic frozen fruit for his smoothie. We had planned to go to the temple for a date, but I wasn't feeling well so we stayed home.

-My college roommate, Melanie, stopped by with her family while they were on vacation.  It was so good to see them.  Friends are good for the soul.  I wish we lived closer, but I am thankful for internet that makes it so easy to keep in touch.  She's one of those people who I can go months without talking to, and then we pick up right where we left off.

-The following weekend, I got together with another good friend from college, Becca, and another roommate, Stephanie, who also lives here in town. It was so fun to catch up over dinner!  After we took a picture together, I went home and dug up a picture of us on our graduation day.  Can't believe it's been 15 years!  (Becca is single, beautiful, and has a master's degree.  If any of you know of any great single LDS men age 35-40 who are looking for an amazing girl, let me know and we can try to hook them up :o). She is on the bottom left).

- Most weekends, at least in the spring, we see hot air balloons in the air near our house.  I love it.  It always makes me smile.  A couple weeks ago I pulled into the gym and ended up late for my aqua zumba class because I had to watch this thing land.  Justin also loves the "bee-yoons".

-On Presidents Day, we went to Valley of Fire State Park. The boys were in heaven and loved climbing the rocks and playing in the sand. I'll be posting more pics from this little excursion.

-Justin became obsessed with Sharpies.  He's written all over his hands, and all over the computer screen...twice.  I try really hard to keep them out of his reach, but apparently I missed one...twice. For any of you who may not know the secret: Baby Wipes will take sharpie right off.  It makes me wonder what I've been wiping my kids' bums with all these years...

-We went to see the Lego Movie, and yes, I am still singing "Everything is Awesome".  The boys loved it.

-Our printer and Windows 8 decided they were no longer friends, and refused to speak to each other.  I had to hand trace a picture of a quilt on my computer screen in order to practice quilting designs on paper.  How did we ever get along without technology?  Thankfully, we got a new printer who is more tolerant of Windows 8.  Have I mentioned how much I hate Windows 8?  It's my new catch phrase. I hate windows 8.  It even rhymes.

-The boys discovered that the hose reaches the sandbox, and have had all kinds of fun with that.  I have to wipe the sand out of my washing machine after every load.

-For Christmas we got tickets for the older two boys, and Grandma, to join us at a Glenn Miller Orchestra performance last night.  We had a great time, and afterwards we ran into my Great Uncle Mark, and Aunt Joan.  They only live a few blocks away from us, but they are in a different ward and we rarely see them.

I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart

Do you remember that song, by Reba McIntyre?  I finally looked it up and listened to it today.  It doesn't really apply, but that one line has been going through my head for days:  "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart".

Before I had kids, when I suffered a miscarriage, I took time off at work, cried, watched movies, and just kind of "checked out" for a few days.

That hasn't really been an option this time.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've rested (and retreated/crawled in bed to hide) plenty, and Todd and the boys have stepped up and done chores and cooked meals...but there's still so much that I have to stay "present" for.

I've helped to build a cell model, finish a book report on Tom Sawyer, and shuttle kids back and forth to 4-H, Scouts, Piano lessons, and Joy School.  I've driven to the clinic three times for blood work to determine that yes I was pregnant and did, in fact, miscarry.

Something new this time around, was that I had downloaded a couple of pregnancy apps, so when I got emails and notifications about my pregnancy, after the fact, it was a painful reminder that I've never dealt with in the past.

I've been surprised at how hard it has been to "move on".  You'd think I would have learned this by now! Getting back to my routine feels weird.  It's as if I'm trying to pretend that nothing happened, when something did happen! I feel like a completely different person than I was last week at this time.  Besides the obvious hormones, life is softer...more fragile.  I can't even listen to the same music.  I am more in tune with my children and their needs.  My priorities are different.  My prayers are more focused. My heart is tender and swollen.

I found this quote that says, "When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby.  When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."

Maybe that's why it's so hard to move on.  My whole world has changed, and all I have to show for it is a fuzzy picture, taken on my iphone, of that positive test*.

I'm not sure what to do to "protect the memory" but in the past I have made scrapbook pages, blog posts, etc. I don't know why it helps, but it does.  I now have nine "prints" on my heart, and even if the world moves on, a mother doesn't forget.  

And yet, I know that I need to move on.  I have four children who need me, and a resolve to "not shrink". I also have a stellar husband who needs [and deserves] to have me to carry on.  I am so grateful for his patience and help. He knew just what to do...and when.  From priesthood blessings, to holding me while I cried, to fixing dinner after a long day of work, and taking me to the temple--he has been my rock this week. 

Today I took my first big step "back to reality" by signing up for a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm planning to "attack" my kitchen and organize the cupboards and pantry. Everything's better when the kitchen is clean! 

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, calls, texts, comments, and messages. It means more than you know.

*And a maternity swimsuit.  I've had four kids and never owned a maternity swimsuit, but we go to the pool a lot here, and with a trip to the Oregon Coast planned for this summer, I figured it would be a necessity and took advantage of a clearance sale on last year's suits. If anyone needs a maternity suit this summer, I'd be happy to pass it along :o)